THE
RIGHEAD STORY
by Robert Bryson
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WEE
DICK JOINS THE SODJERS
by Robert Bryson
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This story noo that I shall tell
It started at Righead Hotel
'Twas a Saturday night we had soom booze
'Twas a lucky night for Dick tae choose
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'Twas the summertime and days were fine
the pheasants were all brooded
The army then they needed men
And poachers were included |
Noo on that night wis a competition
It wis played with Dominoes
Wee Dick he had a great ambition
He wis fairly on his toes
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Noo at these times, I worked the mines
And miners were exempted
Though I will say there were sometimes
That I was sairly tempted. |
Noo ma freen Dick he won the prize
Presented by Archie Logan
Tae me it wisna nae surprise
It will never be forgotten
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I worked by day for little pay
Ma spare time mending nets
And though I made them and also laid them
I never had regrets. |
The prize it wis a Billy Goat
The stink o' it near made me choke
Around its neck wis a tarry rope
Tae get it hame it wis nae joke |
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Last night I had a funny dream
I dreamed of Pastures fresh and green
The rabbits fur it looked like mink
I said tae myself I need a drink |
The folk they fairly stared at us
As the goat we gently took
Dick marched it proudly on the Bus
A brought the carryout
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As I went doon tae the fit o' the street
At the Spur door there I chanced tae meet
A figure there it looked like Hitler
I said tae myself I need a Snifter |
Twa fares tae Cumbernau'd said Dick
A hauf yin fur the dug
The Goat it nearly tain a fit
I saw it cock its lug |
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He wis not pleased as he stood at ease
His hands were clasped behind him
He wis in Khakki, Heid tae fit
Oh my God I wondered |
The Conductress swore she never saw
Frae the day that she wis born
A dug wae hooves instead o' paws
On its heid a pair o' horns |
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I looked at him then looked again
His face it seemed familiar
Full five fit wan he stood a man
An Argyll and Sutherland Highlander. |
The folk on the bus began tae greet
They spoke o' smells and shame
The goat it sat upon the seat
It never yince complained
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As times may come and times may go
I felt being struck a mortal blow
Oh weel ye speak so I can tell
and dinna drive me near tae Hell |
It sat majestic like a king
Who sits upon the throne
Wee Dick he asked it fur tae sing
It didnae hae the tone
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So then he spoke like a puddocks croak
He says that am nae dodjer
Oh my God it must be him
Ma wee pals joined the sodjers |
The're Goats that eat and some that bite
and some eats this and that
Oor Goat it had an appetite
Fur eating bowler hats |
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Am gone awa and far frae hame
Tae fight fur you and your wife and weans
A said tae him you must be bummin'
He said tae me are you no' coming. |
A wumman sitting next tae me
Wanted some milk fur her weans
But where an udder wis wont tae be
There hung a pair o' stanes
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Ye ken fair weel that I'm exempt
So dinna try fur me tae tempt
And when you're lying in Stirling Castle
I'll always mind tae send you a parcel |
On the seat in front of us there sat
A gent who tried tae rest
Upon his heid there wis a hat
The kind oor goat loved best
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And if you happen tae meet big Ned
See and no get fu'
I widnae like you tae pish the bed
and bring disgrace on him and you |
The Goat wis breathing doon his neck
That gent he wis nae laddie
He chose anither seat tae get
It stunk like a last years haddie |
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Noo when your Sergeant makes your tea
He will be a second mither
He will ask you how you want your egg
So tell him wae anither |
The Goat it jump't and grabbed the hat
It knocked the man flat on his back
----[missing]
----[missing]
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And when he tucks you up in bed
And says the coorie doon
Tell him tae mind and cover your legs
And pit on your wee night goon |
The tug-o-war finished wae no a winner
The goat the wan hauf the gent the ither
The gent he moaned aboot his hat
The Conductress roared its time yer aff
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And when you go tae fight the hun
And find that you are over run
Drap me a note that I will get
And I'll come over wae ma long net. |
By noo we were at Cumbernau'd
We made fur wee Dick's hoose
The goat he still wis keen tae hau'd
And me the Carryout |
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If intae battle you are led
And you see a bullet coming
Always mind duck your head
And see you're guid at running |
By noo wee Dick he lives alone
His mither is now deceased
The Kirkyard has become her home
We pray she Rests in Peace
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Noo I started having dreams galore
I saw ma wee freen steeped in gore
As he wis killing them galore
They lay in heeps upon the floor |
When we arrived t wee Dick's home
He took the carryout
The goat I took outside tae chain
A was a while nae doot
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He knocked them doon ten a penny
You wid never hae thought there wis sae many
He wis telt tae stop he took nae heed
They got nae time tae bury their deid |
When I got back tae wee Dick's hoose
Ma spirits fairly sunk
He had finished oor carryout
He wis lying mortal drunk
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I dreamed I saw him on parade
His chest wis hung wae medals
The bravest sodjer ever made
He wis treated like a General |
I lifted him intae his bed
And o' who he did snore
I gently clapped him on the head
and then went oot the door |
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I saw him walking up the street
The weans they were a' singing
Oh wull ye no come back again
The bells were softly ringing |
I went oot the door intae the night
And then I met the goat
It fair gave me an awful fright
It had eaten through the rope
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The Band wis marching on in front
It walked tae face the sun
The tune they played Scotland the
Brave Big Billy on the drum |
I took it in and tied its legs
Alang wae him it went tae bed
I asked it if it wanted fed
It wanted tae give me the head
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He looked like one who's work wis done
He put the Germans on the run
When asked if he wis going back
The Yanks have asked me tae finish the Japs. |
They were a queer assorted pair
The wan wis dark and the ither fair
The wan slept on and never cared
The ither blew intae his beard
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Noo wee Dick had a neighbour
Her name wis Kettlwell
I telt her sae quiet and careful
The Devils got oot o' Hell
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THE DULLATOR STORY
by Robert Bryson |
Go in there and tak' a look
The roar she gave the building shook
You wid thought the goat wis loose
She fairly stotted oot that hoose |
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Up Dullator Glen came three young men,
They looked a wee bit wabbit,
Their jackets bulged was easy tae ken
They had been after the Captain's Rabbit. |
She oot the close and on the street
She shouted murder polis
She got the man upon the beat
He quietly then took notice
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Noo tae carry rabbits on that road
You needed a line tae state
That these rabbits you had not caught
On Cumbernauld Estate. |
Noo the policeman wis Angus Connor
He swore tae her upon his honour
The Devil he wid shin get rid o
He locked it up in Pollock's smiddy
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The Estate was owned by Captain Burns
His Keepers were Beaton and Keeler
The Policeman was Willie Begg
He was only a great big squealer |
Noo Dick wis sober on the Sunday morn
The polis near killed him deid
The goat went back where it wis born
Dick walked it sadly tae Righead. |
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Oor mind alert, oor een were shap
When through a hedge we notice
a bicycle lying in the park
We knew it was the polis. |
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Noo the Warren Wood was half a mile
Tae it we had tae make,
But we could run it wae a smile
It wis a bit o' cake. |
THE MAINHEAD STORY
by Robert Bryson |
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Noo the big lang legs ol Willie Begg
He after us did chase
But we wore young and we could run
'Twas a hare and hedgehog race. |
'Twas a moonless night, the wind was right
'Twas the last week of October
The stars shone bright 'twas the only light
Wee Dick and I were sober |
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We made the wood in real good time
And then we stopped tae listen
'Twas then that Jimmy said tae me
Oor wee pal Dick's amissing. |
Wae three long nets, we meant tae set,
This big lea field for Rabbits
Where the green grass grew and the late night dew
It takes a bit o' setting. |
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It's easy tae ken whit's happened tae him
He is lying doon for the want o' win'
He is getting auld before his time
The effects ol drinking and Wild Woodbine. |
We quietly went on a long detour
The time de take is very poor
And when we get at the back o' them
With a great long cord we lash them in |
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We then decided tae go back
In case Begg roughed up Dick
By giving his head an awful whack
On their way down to the nick. |
We lashed them in as the wind did sigh
When a noise got up like a baby cry
I roared tae Dick there's hares in the net
We will need tae hurry and break their necks |
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Noo Willie Begg he made a bargain
That made him seem bighearted
We should have paid nae heid tae him
The dirty lying bastard. |
Now when a hare is in a snare
Or caught in a poacher's net
It's cry is like a now born wean
It sounds worse when at night |
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If we took oor Rabbits tae the station
And didna' cause hilarity
He would see the Captain and get us off
With a donation tae some charity. |
Now rabbits there were fifty nine
And hares there were but three
A fair guid carry for ony man
The nets you aye kept free |
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He 'phoned up Beaton and also Keeler
And then they each in turns
Inspected the rabbits and then declared
They belonged tae Captain Burns. |
The rabbits we paired and also cleaned
Then intae bags we filled them
The weight o' them or so it seemed
Wis close taea couple o' hundredweight. |
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The Charity wis Dumbarton Court,
The Matron, Sheriff Menzies,
Twa pounds or thirty days he said,
And you've got a month to got it paid. |
We carried them tae wee Dick's hoose
Because it was the nearest
We went as silent as a moose
Though we were no the feartest |
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I watched that smile on the Keeper's face
I never felt sae much disgrace
I made a vow that very day
The fines to get I'd make them pay |
We spread them oot across the flair
Tae it wis covered and held nae mair
Noo that wee house wis aye weel kept
For on the bed his mither slept |
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We picked a night when the sky was black
The air wis rent wae thunder clap
The wind it howled and the rain did pour
We made oor way to the Gamekeeper's door. |
Noo wee Dick's mither they cried auld Jenny
Got up that night tae spend a penny
When she put her feet upon the rabbits
Ma wee son's bought me a Persian carpet. |
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He kept his hens in a big stane turret
Awa' week back frae his dugs and ferret
The door wis hold wae wee thin latch
Tae clean them oot wis an easy snatch. |
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We quietly did oor work together
We left that hoos without a feather
Like the wise old owl we never spoke
And on the door these words I wrote. |
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"Your hens have flown to parts unknown
Your cocks will crow no more
So when you go to bed at night
Please mind tae lock the door." |
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