Christian Humor

Benefits; Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.

Refunds: Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will gladly take you back.

Seating Arrangements: Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?

Nutrition: The best vitamin for a Christian is B1

Where did Noah Keep the bee’s?? In the Ark Hives.

Jesus is good on the computer. He saves.

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said,

"I can do better than that!" So he created Eve.

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you.

You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts?

Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

Prayer of Senility

God grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference...

These two Married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said in the Bible that

men should make the coffee and the husband replied saying no its not, show me and

the wife said its HEBREWS

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human

because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
"Then you can ask him"

A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible
that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction
for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . .

"They will in a minute."

An exasperated mother,
whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until
St. Peter says

'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

God is like..

Allstate: You're in good hands.

Alka-Seltzer: Try him, you'll like Him

Tide: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

Sears: He has everything.

A Ford: He's got a better idea.

Hallmark Cards: He cared enough to send the very best.

Bayer Asprin: He works miracles.

Delta: He's ready when you are.

Alberto Vo-5: He holds through all kinds of weather.

Coke: He's the real thing.

The US Post Office: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet,

nor hail will keep Him from His appointed rounds.

Scotch Tape: You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

Dial Soap: Aren't you glad you've got Him? Don't you wish everybody did?